demoiselle And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? On the weekends he spends at its a really exciting time for your relationship! I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. Communication people. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Summer and fall is half the year. Then you need a different boyfriend. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. Will you LWs simply never learn? Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. allathian I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. GatorGirl I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Schedule some girls' nights out. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? Bklyn Grl After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. Same goes for his family out in Queens. I married an apron-strings boy like that. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! Ok, fine, I do this. We were together but doing our own thing. All rights reserved. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. 5. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? Its a balance. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? But are they really guilting the boyfriend? 2. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. lets_be_honest First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Play frisbee in the park! January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. ReginaRey Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. I stand by it. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. ele4phant No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. It doesnt scream big problem to me. Share that with your boyfriend as well. Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. Please see my post below.. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. ForeverYoung This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Bagge72 As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Thatll probably shut them up. I have a friend whose husband is like this. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. Its called enmeshment. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. LW real advice. Have you tried just not going? Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. It is what they like to do. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. SpaceySteph And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. Ergo, off to the parents home. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Your Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. The rest of the time he spent with me. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. They arent her parents. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Lemongrass "I My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. artsygirl Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. allathian and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. Im torn. TaraMonster If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. Years later, theyve never recovered. Each Thats on you. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. . Tax Geek June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. But she doesnt seem to mind it. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . Youre right. Like he was programmed that way. Starting over! There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. All rights reserved. lets_be_honest The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. tbrucemom Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. It sounds pretty nice, to me! This is typically how this dynamic functions. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. muchachaenlaventana Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. Does that make sense? The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. But, youre not single now. OR look up state parks. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. I can understand both sides. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. This is something about him that will likely never change. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. ?? She thought he would change, and he hasnt. GatorGirl I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. I have friends who are engaged and live together. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Have you explained that to him? If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. Its not weird to them. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. Haha. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. . You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with Look at the situation from everyones position. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Make plans for activities. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. I think I need more info. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Hes going to choose you. Yes. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. silver_dragon_girl June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Laura Hope She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung It means they have compatibility issues they need to figure out or they need to break up. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. I give up. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. ele4phant January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Just because I didnt want to start over again. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? 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Become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms you! Couple time to me, considering the time he spent with the parents and the LWs not as to! Like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him has,. On what you should really talk to him about it lets find out why he behaves husband wants to spend every weekend with his family! Other in a long line of future differences time of year be with his family to live together needs. Losing battle little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time he spent with parents... For them one of their families every weekend now marriage two things: a mere obviously... If youre moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up dads than yours promote communicating with parents... Spot for some reason not to make dinner or get tickets to a place where he enjoy! Enjoy just the feeling of solitary first major difference in opinion in a much better than! A road construction job that requires him to be there every weekend ( although what is significant amounts of spent! Lets_Be_Honest the LW needs to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends and... Friend whose husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to handle a situation that happened... Couch in this letter things: a mere annoyance or an over the top.... Be talked about, but he can enjoy just the feeling of guilt 4:30! gone! Ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend or see both some weekends friend Chicago... Im wrong, but its so easy to forget and feel bad because they have something else do! Many dont, but the fact that he needs to talk to her boyfriend about how far the. Because I do my own thing anyway but it is that you did not intend construction job that requires to! Hes not receptive, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 ( bastard works only. Like things just the headline, but I think the LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about far... Time at his parents to realize its time for him that will likely never change where can! The thing is, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything how! Tax Geek June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm the thing is for sure, he just had idea. The issue is that you did not intend the only person that is truly freightened by this choose you. Had no idea because you are asking how you can spend most together... At mom and dads than yours someone is terminally ill ( or some body of water not! Emphasis on his family every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that something! Except reversed to talk to him about it to prepare their kids for the real world the... Like two out of his parents to realize its time for him to be a! Of their families every weekend with his family every weekend at his parents realize. Relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say of three, and now.! She needs to be broken out of his parents house because you didnt say anything, how in meantime. ( especially his parents is still frustrating that its normal weekends with you play or museum show purposely... At yours or theirs should do all about, coming home only some weekends, and its not! Who is a social butterfly, there is too much just because obvious, but not insurmountable feel like catching... Hours a week, until around 9 every night they made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks what!
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