What works or worked in LWs life is the issue, not my reactions to hugs. Thanks again guys! So anyone else asking for hugs is probably gonna be met with side eye. I'm trained as a counselor. Oh god yes. I loathe that kind of conversation, I cant initiate it. For more information, please see our If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. The soft invite is way too easy to brush off, especially with the level of over-scheduling that exists at certain socio-economic levels. Friends would sit outside my window at midnight and yell at me to go for pancakes with them. Moreover, I dont quite understand what I said wrong (I wish I could remember the exact words I used). The people who ask and then sulk/whine/wheedle when they hear nothats a big red flag. At this point weve all stepped around the issue for so long that I dont know how to bring it up with him without feeling like a jerk. Your script(s) are: That sounds nice/Are you looking forward to it/Where is it/I hope there are no diaper cakes., Person#2: Ive got to clean the house, were having people over on Sunday., Red light means stop. I politely umed and how niced all the while thinking to myself, you realize that you are telling how much fun the party you didnt invite me to was, right? Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time.. If someone is going to visit my home, I need enough notice to get myself and the main areas of the house decent before they turn up. Why wouldnt we invite you! Ha! said person has said, hey why dont you stick around for a while, in pretty much those exact words). Im just careful to make sure that no one is going to see it as passive aggressive middle school behavior. Then suddenly it became not okay for ME to do that. I live in a city apartment, so I certainly dont expect somebody to park, get me to buzz them in, and climb stairs or ride the elevator to my floor to meet me. I have a friend who has really bad social anxiety (which paired with my own anxiety is not always a fun time). It is exactly what the Captain says about her not having the bandwidth to reach out to me so maybe I should just let it go but I miss her so much and I dont want to lose the connection. (For values of we meaning the people of my generation that I know. The thing that you are missing, it sounds very much like you miss it from a privileged position of not having safe-space related anxiety. The Captain mentioned the Ask vs. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. You can ask directly, but it might not be something that the friend can articulate clearly. But if shes not just inviting herself to reasonably open events but specifically to ones where *specific numbers of guests* actually matters, she needs to learn and you and everyone else needs to stop being expected to carry her through life. I have a mother who loved doing it and I learned to love it from her, so I also often feel like Im closer to her when I do it. ), ps. Luckily for you, this article will show you every tip you will need to get to your end goal. . Also I need to be able to say not now and they leave without getting upset or making me repeat myself. Id MUCH rather have a conversation like: THEM: We missed you at [that Thing], why didnt you come? You get your period " Honestly why the f*ck doesn't he have tampons?" "Oh my god, my. But from the rest of what you say, it sounds like maybe this guy was bad news and always pissed off with you, and certainly his reaction sounds pretty extreme and you sound pretty shaken about what should have been maybe a case of being mildly miffed and saying please can you not do that not screaming at you and being sarcastic. (For myself, its exhausting and I dislike the constant stream of people; but I try to be friendly and pleasant, and dream of days when shes moved out or Ive moved somewhere more secluded. Like you, if specifically invited, its green; anything else is red. (*) You know, nude dancing in the most Brazilian way has some interesting implications . I got reamed at (yelled at, sarcasm, etc) by my ex because I showed up early one night for a hangout. Your presence will glorify this party. Thats what I mean. If I couldnt find one, I resented her when shed eventually show up and felt guilty about it. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. This may help put to rest frustrations I sometimes feel about issues where my preference runs counter to that of most people. Maybe they forgot to tell you, or assumed the invitation was obvious, even if it was unspoken, or they just missed adding your name to a mass message that was sent out. Or theyd end up interrupting the host through the usually flurry of getting-all-their-shit-done-before-they-inevitably-have-to-go-to-work etc phase. Movies are dark and great for making out, and you won't risk giving him the wrong impression. @bunwat and @Anna Sthetic You guys are hilarious!! Me: (Feeling the freedom to say I cant, or to say Im tired, or to say that sounds good but maybe a different day) Thanks for thinking of me! It has never ended well for me. If a bunch of friends are seeing some kind of movie or concert, where it doesn't really matter how many people come along or not, and the attitude is often "the more the merrier", it's probably okay to ask if you can join. It is at someones home, and if you were invited, youd already be invited, or the person will use this conversation to specifically invite you by adding If you are free, you are welcome to come. Your script(s) are I hope the weather is nice/that sounds fun/Is it for a special occasion or just hanging out., Person #3: Im doing house stuff, too. Sometimes right as I was getting home from work. So we talk about plans past and future all the time and we expect people not to be weird about it. Obviously, you don't want a frustratingly long commute or the risk of traffic to dampen the mood. I mean, math can still be hard, but its sooo much easier than solving math problems WITHOUT doing math, haha. I think, overall, this is one of those situations where theres no one solution, like Everyone Must Always Call In Advance And Schedule Plans And Never Drop By. All attempts to set boundaries have failed, and these attempts have actually led to her being punitive toward me for trying to tell her no or set a boundary with her about anything, and this exhausting, selfish boundary-stomping is why, when I do move away, which I have been trying to do for TEN GODDAMNED YEARS while very, very poor and very, very un(der)employed, chances are very good that she will be completely and utterly cut off until she dies. *I am the still, deep, blue water* I was coming to say the same thing. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. You can find other people who mesh with how you like to do things by being that person and modeling the behavior. An alternative to let me stop by your house is Im going to be in the neighborhood do you want to meet up? This is a call I do not mind getting. When I really wanted to connect with someone, I used to read the soft no as a problem that I could solve, like, Oh, thats not a problem, I can come to you instead! I will deliver the free comic books to your house, along with ice cream, and that random vacuum cleaner part you once mentioned in passing that you needed! I looked at the reason for the refusal and ignored that it was a refusal. I also have a school-state, in my role as a student. Or Im burnt out and demand me time just because. Are you also taking the initiative to plan things with friends? Friend: Oh great! There have been many fine comments in this thread that have gently pointed out that some people might not care to be visited at work, without throwing judgmental labels around. Repeat as necessary, adding I do not want you to drop by unannounced. I have invited said best friend over for a playdate, twice, by email a week in advance each time. Even if you're turned down, the hosts will appreciate the gesture. Yeah, this! Methods of inviting people out You can invite people out face to face, over the phone, by texting, by email/app message, or through a chat window. Im fine. Now that there isnt a standard, or at least not one I received, unexpected visits turn into waiting games with awkward dancing around getting someone to leave at the end. Some people get really ticked off about the idea that I can CHOOSE whether to answer my door/phone/text/email, and that just not wanting to interact at that moment is a good enough reason not to answer.. Do not do this to your friends, who love you and yet may have busy lives or incompatible schedules. In the end though it would have been much better for us if Id set stronger boundaries at the outset. And I agree that its up to both sides, the person doing the rejecting to communicate clearly and consistently, and the rejectee gracefully taking the hint. Do you need to get past the 3rd date first? She used to do this thing where she would text that she was in the area but never in a way that left me an option on hanging out. This particular friend has a very bad track record of turning into Single Organism with whomever she is dating AND it became pretty obvious she knew that she would be told he wasnt invited if she asked, so she went the better to ask forgiveness route. Other friends, other rules. You watch for the car and come out, or even sit on the front step and wait for your ride. Its run the gamut from casual weekend brunches out (okay, fine, I wanted to catch up with you specifically but I guess its cool that you brought three other friends I dont know, fine, whatever, as long as they pay their share of the bill [hint: they never do]) to actual trips across state lines where someone we know is generously hosting and has to suddenly find room for an extra person. It is completely ok to ask if other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, but PLEASE be gracious about hearing no. I never got why they didnt tell him to go away, but I am clearly meaner than them. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them. They also seem to have no problem saying no when the answer is no, and specifying that theyre only free until x time, so Im comfortable asking. Turns out those same people liked to gang up on me with emotional abuse and gaslighting. 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